The answer seems obvious – but is it though?
I’ve been trying to think of a good blog post this morning – something that would mean something to me and other people and I think this is the best subject I could come up with.Because I think about it constantly.
So, to put you guys in context, I was having a conversation with this person I met yesterday. We were talking about relationships and this potential one I could have with this guy but that I don’t see myself having – or almost deserving of trying to get.
It’s not necessarily that I don’t think that I don’t deserve it but I find myself almost stupid and dumb for thinking that this guy, or anyone really, would be down to start something with me. So I was basically telling that to my new friend and he said it’s because I’m not confident.
Of course, my first reaction to this was being defensive and ignoring it. I told him “no no, I am confident but I’m scared when it comes to relationships because I’m scared of being rejected.”
Now, with some self-reflection (a day after, lol) – I realize that the way I was on the defense right after he said that basically proved his point. I mean, I still think I’m somewhat confident but the fact that I’m scared to be vulnerable in front of someone and admit that I have feelings for them well it must mean that I still got work to do. Although, I do think that I am great for that person – I just don’t know how to express it or have the courage to do so. There’s almost a block that I feel on my heart when I’m just considering telling a person that I would like to be with them. It’s honestly a fucking miracle that I was able to be in one solid relationship.
I’m just so fucking scared of rejection – I mean it’s most definitely related to the fact that I was bullied as a kid and barely had any friends when I was in elementary school. The more I ask myself why do I act a certain way, it automatically is connected to something I went through as a kid.
Ugh. Boohoo me.
But in general though – I think people are terrified of being rejected and being alone. I know this because it’s the only thing people talk about – whether it’s in a musical, theatrical or whatever else form – we want love. We need love. And the idea of not being in love is scarier than being with someone that we don’t completely love.
It’s true, how many people do you know are in unhealthy relationships because they’d rather be with someone than be alone? Actually, that’s what I didn’t want and it’s the reason my first relationship (and only real one to this day) ended. Since then I haven’t taken the chance to be with someone else.
I mean it’s not like I haven’t talked with other guys after but there’s this french quote that I absolutely live by: “Mieux vaut etre seul qu’etre mal accompagnée” meaning, it’s better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. Slightly because of that, I’ve been alone – and therefore, it’s almost like I’m afraid of going back on that road and being vulnerable because I’m scared of the outcome. Am I gonna stay in love? Is this love gonna fulfill me? Am I gonna fulfill this person’s heart?
So, again, I’m asking – why are we so damn scared of rejection?
Because it’s terrifying to feel that we’re giving that other person the option to choose whether or not they want to be with us.
But you know what? Why don’t we change this persepective? Why don’t we change this idea of feeling humiliated of liking someone and replace it by feeling proud of being able to feel for someone. I mean honestly, my fingers are literally punching the keyboard as I’m typing because I think that I’m understanding relationships a bit more or something. I wanna stop caring what the other person say and be a little selfish. If I like them, I like them – and I should be proud of it.
Now of course, it’s easier said than done – but I’m okay with that. It’s already a step forward to let myself truly feel and decide who I want by my side.
If I keep on telling myself this, it will work – right?