So, as 2018 is slowly coming to an end, it’s only normal to reflect on it and learn from some of the lessons that the year has brought on to us.
I’ve been thinking about a few ways that my life has positively and negatively changed in the last year and one thing that’s been on my mind simply due to the fact that its had a huge impact on me this year is relationships.
Nah, still no boyfriend. Still officially single for now two years – and I’m fine with that. It’s not like I haven’t had a few heartbreaks and some feelings of love in 2018, which helped with my growth.
I won’t be naming the two guys who greatly affected me this year – only my close friends know – and neither will tell how I met them, what happened with them or the key moments but I will be sharing how both of them made me feel, helped me grow and how they’ve hurt me to the point of learning what I truly want in a relationship and what means the most to me.
So, I’ve known #1 for a long time and #2 for less (that’s how we will name them instead of calling them “the boys”) but surprisingly, my “relationships’ with them has met somehow which makes the story even more complicated.
Basically, just for real quick context, #1 loosely told me how he somewhat felt about me the moment I met #2 – so you can just imagine how weird I felt about this. Well, you can’t really cause you don’t know the whole situation and why something that sounds so simple as expressing feelings was so hard.
As I said, I met #1 a long time ago and I had just met #2 yet had grown a special connection with very fast. Maybe I was imagining scenarios in my head, especially knowing that what I’m looking for in my next relationship has to be the right thing – I’m not looking to just date, I think I’m at that stage where I wanna find “the one” – if he exists.
So anyways, as I mentioned earlier, I wanna write more about how I’ve been feeling towards these two relationships that inevitably didn’t turn out as well as I hoped they would. In both of these relationships this year (separately of course), I was super close with these people – emotionally very close. And yet somehow, maybe I got too emotional or whatever, but both of them are currently with someone else while I’m here sitting on my couch writing about this alone.
Being alone doesn’t scare me necessarily – I mean, I don’t want to be alone for my whole life that’s for sure – but nostalgia is killing me.
Thinking about how things could’ve gone other ways – how one decision changes the whole direction of where these relationships couldn’t went. I’m in peace with all the decisions that I’ve made – although sometimes I wonder if I was playing too safe. Maybe I should’ve been a little bit more spontaneous and literally follow my heart. But what really sucks is to realize how quickly things can change in life when it comes to relationships.
One day you can’t stop speaking to that person and another day it feels like you two are strangers to each other. It’s scary to think that way – I honestly hate this feeling so much because I feel like I’ve been feeling this way a little too much lately. Reminiscing the good times and being too caring and passionate about them.
What these relationships have taught me more than ever before is that I think too much and I should seriously be more spontaneous and take things into my own hands instead of being played like a deck of cards.