My Constant Battle Against Self-Doubt

So I haven’t written a personal blog post in a month – actually, I haven’t written anything in a month… I’m not sure what happened there. It’s kind of ironic, I constantly tell people to pursue their dreams even if it takes time, but I seemed to have voluntarily lose sight of my dream.

I mean I won’t discredit myself, I was busy this January. The whole start of the year was consecrated into finding a job – which, let me tell you, was not easy. I actually got pretty lucky because in just the spam of 3 weeks and 50+ applications later I got myself a job!

So yeah, I’m currently working for Canada Israel Experience/Birthright – which sends young Jewish people to experience and visit Israel (I did it last summer, it was one of the best experiences of my life). I was very happy to get this job because when I started applying for jobs, I applied in a few different fields. I applied in the media field (my career), in the travelling one (my passion) and within community causes (especially within Jewish organizations cause it was something I missed dearly). So, really – I was ready to broaden myself up and try out anything.

So anyways, for a few other reasons that I won’t open up about just yet, taking on this job was the best options for me, in my opinion. I was actually super excited when I got the news because that’s when I told myself – oh, I can finally concentrate on writing for The Mod Misfit! But, not quite. Whenever I would start writing, I would just bash myself down and think how dumb I sounded or how useless my writing was. I feel like my mind was my biggest enemy at this point – and it still is sometimes. As I’m writing this, I’m low key shaking cause I know I have no other choice than to post this. Not because I have to but because I want to..

I miss writing, I miss creating and putting my thoughts out there. I used to write a thoughtful article at least once a week for the last 8 months or so – so what happened exactly?

Well, I just fell off the wagon. I was lacking passion and then when I would think of writing I would feel bad about the fact that I haven’t written in a while. Really, my mental health was kind of ups and down during January.

Now we’re in February and I’m realizing that The Mod Misfit’s first anniversary is coming soon! With highs and lows, I still created something that I’m so proud of and I know I touched some minds. Because of The Mod Misfit I was able to grow closer with some people and got to open up some interesting discussions.

I wanna keep on doing this and write about what I love, what I hate, what I care about. In a way, I really want The Mod Misfit to be my journal in a way – think ‘Gossip Girl’ but without the gossip. Maybe interviews, reviews – whatever. I just wanna write and do it on my own terms while I still can and keep on practicing putting my thoughts out there.

Is there something you are passionate about that you loved doing but stopped doing for a little bit and then it was even harder to get back into it because you were scared to put yourself outside of your comfort zone again? Well that’s what I felt, or still feeling – and I’m ready to push myself again outside of my comfort zone. It’s a weird feeling but I know that how I will feel after will be much better than how I’m feeling right now.

Xo, TheModMisfit.

5 thoughts on “My Constant Battle Against Self-Doubt

  1. I’m so happy to see you posting again, Nelly! There is an ebb and flow to everything in life. I can’t imagine looking for a job and not putting life on hold. I would call your January a success. Mazel tov!
    Keep scaring yourself. Can’t wait to read your next post.

    Best wishes,
    Aviva

    Like

    1. You are absolutely right, Aviva. There is a flow to everything in life and things happen for a reason.

      It’s hard to realize that you are succeeding when the path is so tenacious – it’s definitely something I have to learn more about!

      Like

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