My Constant Battle Against Self-Doubt

10:18 pm | | Comments 5

So I haven’t written a personal blog post in a month – actually, I haven’t written anything in a month… I’m not sure what happened there. It’s kind of ironic, I constantly tell people to pursue their dreams even if it takes time, but I seemed to have voluntarily lose sight of my dream.

I mean I won’t discredit myself, I was busy this January. The whole start of the year was consecrated into finding a job – which, let me tell you, was not easy. I actually got pretty lucky because in just the spam of 3 weeks and 50+ applications later I got myself a job!

So yeah, I’m currently working for Canada Israel Experience/Birthright – which sends young Jewish people to experience and visit Israel (I did it last summer, it was one of the best experiences of my life). I was very happy to get this job because when I started applying for jobs, I applied in a few different fields. I applied in the media field (my career), in the travelling one (my passion) and within community causes (especially within Jewish organizations cause it was something I missed dearly). So, really – I was ready to broaden myself up and try out anything.

So anyways, for a few other reasons that I won’t open up about just yet, taking on this job was the best options for me, in my opinion. I was actually super excited when I got the news because that’s when I told myself – oh, I can finally concentrate on writing for The Mod Misfit! But, not quite. Whenever I would start writing, I would just bash myself down and think how dumb I sounded or how useless my writing was. I feel like my mind was my biggest enemy at this point – and it still is sometimes. As I’m writing this, I’m low key shaking cause I know I have no other choice than to post this. Not because I have to but because I want to..

I miss writing, I miss creating and putting my thoughts out there. I used to write a thoughtful article at least once a week for the last 8 months or so – so what happened exactly?

Well, I just fell off the wagon. I was lacking passion and then when I would think of writing I would feel bad about the fact that I haven’t written in a while. Really, my mental health was kind of ups and down during January.

Now we’re in February and I’m realizing that The Mod Misfit’s first anniversary is coming soon! With highs and lows, I still created something that I’m so proud of and I know I touched some minds. Because of The Mod Misfit I was able to grow closer with some people and got to open up some interesting discussions.

I wanna keep on doing this and write about what I love, what I hate, what I care about. In a way, I really want The Mod Misfit to be my journal in a way – think ‘Gossip Girl’ but without the gossip. Maybe interviews, reviews – whatever. I just wanna write and do it on my own terms while I still can and keep on practicing putting my thoughts out there.

Is there something you are passionate about that you loved doing but stopped doing for a little bit and then it was even harder to get back into it because you were scared to put yourself outside of your comfort zone again? Well that’s what I felt, or still feeling – and I’m ready to push myself again outside of my comfort zone. It’s a weird feeling but I know that how I will feel after will be much better than how I’m feeling right now.

Xo, TheModMisfit.



  1. Your job sounds awesome! Visiting Israel is definately on my bucket list! Keep up with the good work on the blog as well 🙂

    1. Nelly Serandour-Amar says:

      Thank you, Robert! Yeah the job is definitely sweet:) Have a great day!

      1. Cheers, you too 🙂

  2. Aviva Tamari says:

    I’m so happy to see you posting again, Nelly! There is an ebb and flow to everything in life. I can’t imagine looking for a job and not putting life on hold. I would call your January a success. Mazel tov!
    Keep scaring yourself. Can’t wait to read your next post.

    Best wishes,

    1. Nelly Serandour-Amar says:

      You are absolutely right, Aviva. There is a flow to everything in life and things happen for a reason.

      It’s hard to realize that you are succeeding when the path is so tenacious – it’s definitely something I have to learn more about!


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